The Hardships that followed after I fell in love!
There is a Hindi song that made me write this article – Kambakht Isqh Hai Jo…..reheta hai jab tak yeh kabakht Jannat dikhata hai! (Love is rascal-like and till the time this rascal stays, it is heavenly) – well, in my case this rascal turned out to be Hell-like – more like hell fire!
So I need to give a brief about how, why and whom did I choose to cause this distress in my life.
Year 1991 – I passed out of my college and because I did not manage to get a 1st division in B.Sc. Zoology Hons., I did not take up MSc. – well thank God for that – I never could imagine myself as some thick-spectacled professor in some college or even as some Research Scientist in a formaldehyde smelly laboratory! So in a way I was happy to have narrowly escaped the typical course of academic life that Bengalis are famous for taking up btw – BSc. – MSc. – PhD – Blah-Blah-ly!
What was my desire then?
Well – to meet my Prince Charming and get married and live happily ever after – simple – but little did I realize that it was the most difficult thing to happen!
So I joined my parents at Ambala Cantt – my Dad’s last posting. We had a huge bungalow and just outside was the Kharga Library. One can understand that from a lifestyle of ‘constant yakking’ (adda) and bunking college to head straight for 3 important destinations – New Empire, Lighthouse and Globe – movie halls of Kolkata in the early 1990’s …I came to absolute seclusion! So books became my best friends! All I did was visit the Library, get some books issued and read them. I was always interested in occult, astrology etc. So I read a lot of Richard Bach, Lobsang Rampa, Khalil Gibran and of course my most favourite – Linda Goodman. In fact I had even purchased her book – Linda Goodman Star Signs where I first came to know of spiritual Gurus and that…‘when the student is ready, the teacher will come’ and wondered if I had any such teacher in my life!
Then came the massive turning point of my life – Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda, RamaKrishna Kathaamrita, Autobiography of a Yogi, Shri Aurobindo and couple of other books that literally initiated me to the whole new world of spiritual knowledge! And here is where I came to know about Kundalini Shakti .
Well – that did not mean that I decided not to get married and pursue only spirituality – just that I wanted to manifest my divinity in this very life – it was possible after all – that is what the books talked about!
Dad retired and we came to New Barrackpore – our ancestral house. Again an entirely different demographic! People around were middle class and lower middle class – our neighbours were the Khaalpaar and Beelpaar people – like where the domestic helpers lived and survived hand to mouth! But I honestly did not mind that at all – because my priorities had changed completely after reading what the saints and seers had to say about the world and our existence! Nothing permanent, only seek the higher soul …manifest your divinity – all this does not bother about the outside – just keep your inside clean and pure! So it did not really bother me that I was surrounded by mediocrity and paupers – especially after having spent 18 plus years of my life in the glamour of Army life!
And then yet another avalanche came crashing down my way – I fell in love with a pauper! Yeah literally a pauper who lived hand to mouth but he used to get possessed by Goddess Kali every Tuesday and Saturday! And guess what – I began to think that I have met the reincarnation of Shri Ramakrishna! Well – not just thinking huh – I got visions, dreams and ultimately a confirmation from a lady who conducted Satsungs, that I was right in thinking so because he is Him but it is a total secret and should not be shared at all!
Well folks – I was just 22 then – imagine how I must have felt – I have met the re-incarnation of Rama-Krishna! Now I wanted him for myself – why? Because he had found God, I had found him, therefore I will surely find God. Hence Proved! SO basically what happened was – I fell in LOGIC not in love – although at that point of time I seriously thought that it was love! So I was in love with the re-incarnation of ‘Shri Rama and Shri Krishna’? Well, there is a very famous quote of Shri Ramakrishna that he made on his death-bed – when Swami Vivekananda was looking at him doubtingly …still confused about his divine nature – he had said, as if reading Swami Ji’s mind that ‘ The one who was Rama and the same one who was Krishna, I am that only’! So folks, who did I meet then? A Reincarnation of Lord Vishnu!
Obviously I wanted HIM for myself – it is but natural right? So that’s it – I decided mentally that he is the one I will marry! There were many other small incidents that established my faith further – maybe I will give the details later – but for now, understand that in my mind, I had decided to marry the reincarnation of Lord Vishnu. Period.
My parents were obviously devastated when they came to know about it! After having rejected the proposal of Army Officer, Engineer….I had decided to tie the nuptial knot with an 8th class fail pauper who had a small temple and worshiped Maa Kali for a living! My parents thought that I had gone raving mad….but rest of the rural locality thought that I was dying to get married (to celebrate the 1st night…remember majority of people around me were rural bred illiterate mediocre people and for such people sex plays a vital role in their lives…they almost literally think that they are born to somehow reach adolescence and then dive straight on bed for sex!)
Now what? So I thought if I have to marry him then I should work and get the monthly salary home so that he can focus on worshipping God. Logic right? Little did I realize that soon my life will take a Hindi-filmy turn – I will face the cruel world of job seeking! I was just a plain graduate but I could speak English well…..it did not matter at all…not for me at least! I took up a job, measly salary – that finished in paying Rickshaw and bus fare!! So a new hell-like phase started in my life – get up early in the morning, run after buses and somehow reach office, engage in clerical kinda job and return home by 8pm – thanks to the famous Kolkata traffic jam! So my life got into a routine of working in small time private companies for a monthly salary….which I thought will help me get married to the re-incarnation of God I was so in love with!
A bit of a change came in my life, I joined NIIT, in my mind I thought that with an IT diploma, I will get a better job, more salary…then be able to marry the ‘re-incarnation of God’ (RIG hereinafter) – but alas! Nothing of that sort happened. Before the IT diploma, I earned 1500/- per month, after the diploma, I earned 2.5k to 3k only…I had to wait longer to get higher salary…..who was I working for anyways? RIG…remember?
Well, while working in small time private companies….I came to know that the lifestyles, aspirations, struggles of the masses. They were my colleagues…and colleagues are like friends only – we share our stories with each other etc. I could see them all tensed whenever there was delay in the disbursement of salaries…..they had to pay their monthly bills after all. Honestly I was totally clueless about such nitty-gritties of mundane life! After all food, shelter, electricity bill etc….all these were taken care of by my father. It was like after having a sumptuous palatial breakfast and carrying a lunch-box with a rich quality of food (mom was always very innovative with making tiffins and meals) – I used to literally go to a small time small work place and take the stress!! First, the stress of meeting the monthly targets and then listening to the sad/ happy stories of my colleagues and last but not the least…..the stress of eventually getting married to RIG!
Meeting RIG after 7 years
So, in Nov 1992 I met RIG, Feb 1993 parents and relatives came to know of my inclination of marrying the God Man, was literally under house arrest for 8-9 months (since my sister had come over for her delivery of 2nd child…the pressure of house arrest was lesser). Worked in small time private companies till Nov 1994. RIG came to office one day, the next day it got reported to my house! My brother came to my rescue this time, took me to Bangalore and admitted me in NIIT. Came back in July 1995 and joined the NIIT of Kolkata – because brother was getting married and my mother did not want a newly wed couple to take the burden of ‘perpetually sad and depressed sis-in-law’ (well, I pretended to act normal pretty well btw. I don’t think any outsider would have guessed that I was suffering from great misery inside – caused to me due to love —see what I stated in the beginning of this narration – the love for me was like hell-fire!)
Anyways, I continued performing clerical type of jobs – yeah – was a plain graduate and a Diploma holder….diploma holders are average humanoids after all – just fit for cookie-cutter kind of jobs – so I started working as a peon/clerk/data entry operator. After completing my internship at The Park – provided by NIIT, I waited to get a proper job. I waited for 8 months…yeah I was dumb also – thought that NIIT placement department will surely fetch me a job. Of course, I applied everywhere – went physically and submitted my resume to probably all placement agencies of Kolkata! Remember no Naukri.com etc available at that point of time huh! After 8 months of sitting at home, I got a job at HCL Frontline as Market Research Executive – no appointment letter given because from day one they had decided to kick me out once the product was established. The product was Dragon Naturally Speaking – I used to give the product demonstration at the frontline office of HCL at Park Street. The routine was the same….get up early, run after busses somehow reach on time and sit in the showroom and wait for someone to ask for a demo! Not too much work though. The one thing I remember of that place was there was a small toilet with no water! A person used to come with a water bag (made of pig skin) to fill the 2 buckets of water in the toilet and the four of us – 3 girls and 1 man had to use that water for the rest of the day! As it is my water intake was always less….at HCL I had stopped drinking water altogether…lest I have to visit the toilet……. yeah had some very miserable days at Park Street of Kolkata….lol – hell-fire folks – hell-fire that love was making me go through!
Suddenly met RIG at the bus stop. Gave him my HCL addr. but asked him not to visit the office – or else like last time, it will again get reported at home. Met him at KC Das (it was a bus stop from where we used to board the charted buses till Barasat – I used to get down at the B.T College more) had singara/samosa and coca-cola lol – was meeting RIG after all and sitting with him and eating – wow! Then we both sat together in the bus and went homewards. This happened 3-4 times in a span of 2 weeks….I was meeting RIG and was getting thoroughly bored! We had nothing to talk about!! What the hell was I even thinking!? Here is RIG, with whom I had decided to spend the rest of my life – and I could not tolerate his presence even for an hour!
Basically in my 7 years of platonic love for RIG, I cumulative met him for less than 7 hours! The 7 year itch got over…sealed! From 1992 to 1999 – my prime youth went in this kind of a hell-fire love! I was not happy for even a moment – always afraid of the outcome – how will I marry him, where will I live, how will I manage, will I get a good-enough salary to take care of my family needs….my parents will throw me out of the house, I will have no one left with me to call my own….RIG will be the only one for me….blah blah blah!
The BIG Picture
I started to seek God with a renewed enthusiasm. Did Art of Living, Reiki, Silva Method of Mind control…..and finally reached my spiritual destination – Sahaja Yoga! All’s well that ends well I guess.
So do I regret having loved RIG? No, I don’t. Not at all. In fact I am thank full to him to block the years of my prime youth or else I would have gotten married and made my life more miserable than ever! It is anyways written in my horror-scope – that my married life would be miserable ending in either divorce or widowhood! Imagine having married, adjusted to a new family, going through the trauma of child birth…ultimately to part ways – either divorce of death – whatever! And then the burden of raising a child! Eeww….what a grand escape from the rigamarole of mundane life! And also the fact that now I am able to dedicate all my waking hours to serve my Guru! What more could I ask for!?
So folks, whatever happens, happens for good I suppose! Just that I wanted to reiterate the fact that …not all love stories end or even begin as ‘happily ever after’ be aware of that!
